1 00:00:04,828 --> 00:00:07,991 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:01:24,441 --> 00:01:25,430 (SCREAMS) 3 00:01:26,410 --> 00:01:28,173 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 4 00:01:28,345 --> 00:01:31,007 (CROAKS) Come in. 5 00:01:32,115 --> 00:01:34,140 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 6 00:01:34,318 --> 00:01:36,616 (WEAKLY) Come in. 7 00:01:37,421 --> 00:01:40,515 - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in. 8 00:01:42,826 --> 00:01:44,521 Can I come in, sir? 9 00:01:44,695 --> 00:01:47,892 I did knock, sir. Perhaps you didn't hear me. 10 00:01:48,065 --> 00:01:49,896 Your hot lemon, sir. 11 00:01:53,036 --> 00:01:58,668 Goddamn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly flabby puffiness around my cheeks. 12 00:01:58,842 --> 00:02:01,970 Wasn't that there before your illness, sir? 13 00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:05,273 Yes, I'm sure it was because... 14 00:02:06,416 --> 00:02:08,213 Let me tuck you in, sir. 15 00:02:08,385 --> 00:02:14,483 - How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet? - Enjoying it. Directives for you to sign, sir. 16 00:02:16,727 --> 00:02:22,097 What's this Space Corps free pardon exonerating you of all crimes doing in here? 17 00:02:22,266 --> 00:02:24,962 (GASPS) 18 00:02:26,203 --> 00:02:31,937 Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir. You can't rely on anyone these days! 19 00:02:35,012 --> 00:02:40,473 I'm so sorry, but if I've got a record, I'll never become an officer and command my own ship. 20 00:02:40,651 --> 00:02:43,245 That's what I long for - to be like you. 21 00:02:43,420 --> 00:02:45,911 Maybe thinner and in better condition, 22 00:02:46,089 --> 00:02:49,252 and, obviously, without your clogged arteries. 23 00:02:49,426 --> 00:02:52,554 That aside, you're the person I admire the most. 24 00:02:52,729 --> 00:02:57,325 - Another ambition achieved. - You think I could become an officer one day? 25 00:02:58,902 --> 00:03:04,807 Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but you're just not officer material. 26 00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:10,038 - Not officer material, sir? - Take my advice and redirect your energies. 27 00:03:10,213 --> 00:03:14,081 Find something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at. 28 00:03:14,251 --> 00:03:16,310 Like what, sir? 29 00:03:16,486 --> 00:03:18,647 (CROAKING MUMBLE) 30 00:03:20,057 --> 00:03:22,924 I'm never going to become a captain, sir? Never? 31 00:03:23,093 --> 00:03:25,152 (CROAKS) 32 00:03:25,329 --> 00:03:26,626 (KNOCKING) 33 00:03:26,797 --> 00:03:30,289 - They said it was OK to drop by. - Talia? 34 00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:32,401 Well, hi! 35 00:03:32,569 --> 00:03:33,866 Hi. 36 00:03:34,037 --> 00:03:37,973 - Rimmer's just leaving. - I can't believe I've run into you again 37 00:03:38,141 --> 00:03:39,438 after all this time. 38 00:03:40,410 --> 00:03:43,470 The nanobots must have resurrected you, too. 39 00:03:43,647 --> 00:03:46,207 You look wonderful. 40 00:03:46,383 --> 00:03:49,875 You made captain. You've done so well. 41 00:03:50,053 --> 00:03:54,456 Your own ship. Wow! I've got goosebumps. 42 00:03:54,624 --> 00:04:00,085 The photograph of your wife, sir, is it OK where it is or shall I turn it to face the wall? 43 00:04:01,131 --> 00:04:04,931 - Dismissed, Rimmer. - Thank you. Nothing I can get you, ma'am? 44 00:04:05,102 --> 00:04:07,935 Tea, coffee? Packet of three? 45 00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:16,176 Me not make it? What does he know, the big stupid yellow idiot? 46 00:04:16,346 --> 00:04:21,841 He didn't see my good side. My guile, my weasel cunning and, when the going gets tough, 47 00:04:22,018 --> 00:04:24,509 my ability to find good hiding places. 48 00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:29,853 He thinks I'm an imbecile. He really does. 49 00:04:35,132 --> 00:04:37,327 Me, an imbecile (!) 50 00:04:39,002 --> 00:04:41,664 Alertl Alertl A choccie nut bar... 51 00:04:41,838 --> 00:04:44,966 A choccie nut bar has been removed without payment. 52 00:04:45,142 --> 00:04:48,270 A choccie nut bar has been removed without payment. 53 00:04:48,445 --> 00:04:50,310 - Alertl Alertl - Shut up! 54 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,505 Shan't. Alertl Alertl 55 00:04:52,682 --> 00:04:56,448 Shut up or I'll pour soup into your speaker and you'll drown. 56 00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:58,451 Take your hand off me speaker. 57 00:04:58,622 --> 00:05:00,487 - Promise to shut up? - Promise. 58 00:05:00,657 --> 00:05:03,683 Ha, ha, hal 59 00:05:03,860 --> 00:05:08,923 Alertl Alertl Chocolate abduction on floor 341. 60 00:05:09,099 --> 00:05:11,761 Ooh, you will not get away with this. 61 00:05:11,935 --> 00:05:16,065 I may not be able to see you but I know your taste in confectionery, 62 00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:21,302 and I also know... No, in fact, that is all I know - just your taste in confectionery. 63 00:05:21,478 --> 00:05:26,939 I'll hear your voice again, and I'll expose you for the chocolate-thieving dog you arel 64 00:05:27,117 --> 00:05:30,848 I'm scared - I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine (!) 65 00:05:31,021 --> 00:05:35,481 Are you gonna leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed (?) 66 00:05:35,659 --> 00:05:38,787 Oh, Mummy! Help, help! I'm really scared (!) 67 00:05:38,962 --> 00:05:40,987 Rimmer. 68 00:05:41,665 --> 00:05:43,656 You forgot your tray. 69 00:05:44,701 --> 00:05:45,998 Thank you, sir. 70 00:05:46,169 --> 00:05:48,569 He stole some chocolatel He stole... 71 00:05:53,844 --> 00:05:55,368 You are my nemesis. 72 00:05:55,545 --> 00:06:01,006 One day, our paths will cross again and I will destroy youl 73 00:06:02,486 --> 00:06:06,820 And on that day, I will be the captain of this ship (!) 74 00:06:09,092 --> 00:06:14,758 It's OK for Mr Cushy, working for the captain now, but what about me? All that damn rock! 75 00:06:14,931 --> 00:06:16,990 My back's killing me, bud. 76 00:06:17,801 --> 00:06:20,361 Look at my spine. It's so curved, 77 00:06:20,537 --> 00:06:22,835 if you threw it away, it'd come back. 78 00:06:23,006 --> 00:06:25,839 Rock, rock, rock, rock. 79 00:06:26,810 --> 00:06:30,075 I ain't used to work, but what job do they give me? 80 00:06:30,247 --> 00:06:32,306 Something to do with rock, sir? 81 00:06:32,482 --> 00:06:35,315 Exactly! Do you know what they got me doing? 82 00:06:35,485 --> 00:06:39,251 I gotta put all the rock albums on the PA system. 83 00:06:40,624 --> 00:06:43,923 I gotta change those suckers once every 45 minutes. 84 00:06:45,061 --> 00:06:47,029 I'm a physical wreck! 85 00:06:47,197 --> 00:06:49,529 Probation's killing me, boys. 86 00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:54,762 - What's that? - A present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski. 87 00:06:54,938 --> 00:06:59,034 - A calendar? - The other day, she looked at the old calendar 88 00:06:59,209 --> 00:07:03,236 and said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one. 89 00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:07,411 I'll tell her - the calendar people made a mistake, 90 00:07:07,584 --> 00:07:10,553 but let's leave this wrong month thing behind us. 91 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:15,521 Being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of proportion. 92 00:07:15,692 --> 00:07:18,559 A little word in your audio receiver. 93 00:07:20,664 --> 00:07:26,330 This happens to all women? They become cranky and weird? You never see this in films or on TV. 94 00:07:26,503 --> 00:07:31,566 I thought men controlled the media. This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate! 95 00:07:31,741 --> 00:07:36,269 It's no big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave - everything. 96 00:07:36,446 --> 00:07:38,437 Just trust me. 97 00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:52,461 (SINGS) Da-dahl 98 00:07:58,335 --> 00:08:02,829 Thank goodness for Mr Lister. I nearly made such a fool of myself. 99 00:08:04,507 --> 00:08:06,475 A little present, ma'am. 100 00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:12,374 All gift-wrapped. 101 00:08:13,283 --> 00:08:15,615 I hope I chose the right size. 102 00:08:16,853 --> 00:08:20,914 - Dave told you to do this, didn't he? - Isn't he wonderful! 103 00:08:21,091 --> 00:08:24,652 Oh, yeah. Sometimes, he's so cute, I could just eat him. 104 00:08:25,395 --> 00:08:30,697 He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself. Come on, then, open it! 105 00:08:32,335 --> 00:08:34,326 I want you to try it on. 106 00:08:34,504 --> 00:08:37,473 Maybe you could do a little twirl in it. 107 00:08:37,641 --> 00:08:41,270 Kryten, how can I put this? 108 00:08:41,444 --> 00:08:44,242 Is there something wrong, ma'am? 109 00:08:45,715 --> 00:08:47,706 He set me up, didn't he? 110 00:08:47,884 --> 00:08:52,719 This is absolutely not what you're supposed to do when a woman is having a... 111 00:08:54,457 --> 00:08:56,015 Is the banner wrong, too? 112 00:08:58,294 --> 00:09:01,195 (HIGH-PITCHED WAIL) He was lying! 113 00:09:02,565 --> 00:09:05,864 I've been duped by a master craftsman. 114 00:09:06,036 --> 00:09:09,631 - Well, two can play at this game. - What do you have in mind? 115 00:09:09,806 --> 00:09:15,369 Are you sure you have time for this? I realise the next few days are very special for you. 116 00:09:15,545 --> 00:09:19,447 Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot in tight white jeans? 117 00:09:20,984 --> 00:09:23,544 Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. 118 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:28,054 Not forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things. 119 00:09:28,224 --> 00:09:30,954 Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back. 120 00:09:31,127 --> 00:09:34,563 Right. Here's my idea. (WHISPERS) 121 00:09:34,731 --> 00:09:36,426 (IMITATES FAX) Bling! 122 00:09:36,599 --> 00:09:38,829 Hah! Glug, glug... 123 00:09:45,542 --> 00:09:48,739 - (BEEP) - That's Hol. He must want something. 124 00:09:49,946 --> 00:09:54,280 Here's some hot-off-the-press confidential-insider information. 125 00:09:54,451 --> 00:09:59,252 There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat. 126 00:10:01,458 --> 00:10:03,517 Cell inspection in ten minutes. 127 00:10:09,199 --> 00:10:10,757 Told you. 128 00:10:12,602 --> 00:10:14,797 Thanks, Hol. It was most helpful. 129 00:10:15,605 --> 00:10:19,871 When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm the man. 130 00:10:20,243 --> 00:10:25,840 Where did you get that priceless nugget of info way before it got into the public domain? 131 00:10:26,015 --> 00:10:30,475 I've hacked into the ship 's computer system. Got into the prison log. 132 00:10:30,653 --> 00:10:33,087 I got a goosey at the supplies inventory. 133 00:10:33,256 --> 00:10:36,919 There's stuff in there that will make your hair stand on end. 134 00:10:37,494 --> 00:10:38,791 What stuff? 135 00:10:38,962 --> 00:10:41,954 Brylcreme it's called. 136 00:10:45,769 --> 00:10:49,205 Put it on your head and it makes your hair stand on end. 137 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:53,998 We've only two jars left, so if you need some, let me know. 138 00:10:54,177 --> 00:10:57,977 As soon as I've got anything else that's useful, I'll be back. 139 00:10:58,148 --> 00:11:01,015 See you in about 25 years, then. 140 00:11:03,887 --> 00:11:08,847 - My scar's itchy. It must be all the dust. - You've got a scar? When did you get that? 141 00:11:09,025 --> 00:11:12,984 Those complimentary pens the hospital guys were handing out. 142 00:11:13,163 --> 00:11:16,997 The "Most Accidents Happen in the Home, So Be Careful" ones. 143 00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,601 I stabbed meself in the head with one. 144 00:11:21,037 --> 00:11:25,030 - Where were you? - I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid. 145 00:11:27,277 --> 00:11:29,507 That's not a scar, that's a nick. 146 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,910 - That is a scar. - Where did you get that? 147 00:11:33,082 --> 00:11:35,482 From a fight years ago. Duel. 148 00:11:36,286 --> 00:11:38,481 A duel? You? 149 00:11:38,655 --> 00:11:40,452 (LAUGHS) Get outta town! 150 00:11:41,324 --> 00:11:46,159 Not A duel. "Duel" - the old Steven Spielberg movie. 151 00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:50,395 A friend of mine attacked me with the video case. 152 00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:56,569 Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though. 153 00:11:56,739 --> 00:12:00,971 I peed in his mum's steam iron. He had yellow T-shirts for a week. 154 00:12:03,479 --> 00:12:05,470 (BEEPING FAX) 155 00:12:06,482 --> 00:12:08,473 Why's that going off? 156 00:12:10,653 --> 00:12:14,316 It's from Kryten. "Look under the draughts board." 157 00:12:15,892 --> 00:12:21,831 Another note. "Dear Mr Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski. 158 00:12:21,998 --> 00:12:27,595 "In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch and hide it in your shower. 159 00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:32,173 "I am laughing as I write this, knowing your cell is about to be searched, 160 00:12:32,342 --> 00:12:35,402 "and imagining the panic now gripping your soul!" 161 00:12:35,578 --> 00:12:39,674 What are we gonna do? We've got an inspection. We're on probation! 162 00:12:39,849 --> 00:12:43,945 - Down the loo. Down the sink. - Baxter's gonna kill us for doing this. 163 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,452 The captain's gonna kill us if we don't. 164 00:12:46,623 --> 00:12:51,390 But you've seen what Baxter's like. Grizzly bears run screaming from him. 165 00:12:51,561 --> 00:12:53,927 He was playing poker, ran out of money. 166 00:12:54,097 --> 00:12:59,034 He bet his right nut on a pair of jacks. A pair of jacks - that's how hard he is! 167 00:13:00,236 --> 00:13:02,431 Smeg! The tank's full. 168 00:13:02,605 --> 00:13:05,699 What are we gonna do? We've got two bottles left. 169 00:13:05,875 --> 00:13:07,775 We're gonna have to drink it. 170 00:13:07,944 --> 00:13:12,005 Drink it? This is Baxter's hooch. It's about 300 per cent proof. 171 00:13:12,181 --> 00:13:17,084 - This would get the entire Greek Navy drunk. - It'll put hairs on your chest. 172 00:13:17,253 --> 00:13:20,245 It'll put hairs on your lips! 173 00:13:20,423 --> 00:13:23,517 It'll put hairs on your hairs! It's lethal. 174 00:13:23,693 --> 00:13:28,153 Do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get drinking. 175 00:13:28,331 --> 00:13:30,492 Have we got any mixers? 176 00:13:31,301 --> 00:13:36,364 You are wetter than a driving instructor's handshake! Get it down yer gob! 177 00:13:45,648 --> 00:13:47,275 (CHOKING GASP) 178 00:13:48,384 --> 00:13:51,114 - (COUGHS) - What's it like? 179 00:13:51,287 --> 00:13:53,847 (STRANGLED VOICE) It's OK. 180 00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:27,346 (SINGS) Inspectionl 181 00:14:30,259 --> 00:14:32,250 On your feet. 182 00:14:50,646 --> 00:14:53,308 Stand by your bunks. 183 00:15:10,066 --> 00:15:12,000 You're drunk. 184 00:15:12,168 --> 00:15:14,159 Drunk, sir? 185 00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,032 No, sir. 186 00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:22,370 (SLURRING) Absolutely not, sir. 187 00:15:22,545 --> 00:15:24,877 No, no... No. 188 00:15:25,715 --> 00:15:27,114 Who fancies a kebab? 189 00:15:27,283 --> 00:15:29,274 (BOTH) Oh, yeah! 190 00:15:32,889 --> 00:15:34,754 Smeg! 191 00:15:34,924 --> 00:15:36,915 He's tricked us. 192 00:15:41,397 --> 00:15:43,388 (LAUGHS) 193 00:15:45,935 --> 00:15:51,567 Must have been the sherry trifle for lunch, sir. Told him not to go back for seconds, sir. 194 00:15:52,942 --> 00:15:54,933 (SNORES) 195 00:15:55,878 --> 00:15:59,314 Call the medi bay. We need two stomach pumps. 196 00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:02,074 Super suck. 197 00:16:11,994 --> 00:16:14,155 It's Baxter. 198 00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:20,399 Your two mates stole my hooch. 199 00:16:21,337 --> 00:16:25,433 When they get out of hospital, and there's no guards about... 200 00:16:26,409 --> 00:16:29,537 ...this is what's gonna happen to them. 201 00:16:30,546 --> 00:16:32,878 (CRAZY LAUGH) 202 00:16:36,119 --> 00:16:39,111 You're gonna squeeze their rolls? 203 00:16:39,889 --> 00:16:41,254 That's irritating, 204 00:16:41,424 --> 00:16:44,018 but in many ways, they'll be relieved. 205 00:16:49,465 --> 00:16:51,057 What have I done? 206 00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:54,233 (RIMMER GROANS) 207 00:17:03,813 --> 00:17:07,840 Baxter's out to mash you. You've gotta escape. We all have. 208 00:17:08,017 --> 00:17:13,478 Security's lax here. If we can make it to the landing bay and steal a ship, Bob's your scutter. 209 00:17:13,656 --> 00:17:17,456 - Where's the Cat? - He'll be getting hospitalised any second. 210 00:17:32,441 --> 00:17:34,432 Pass the salt, would you? 211 00:17:39,081 --> 00:17:41,515 That guy there took some of your fries. 212 00:17:47,423 --> 00:17:49,448 What in the hell are you doing... 213 00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:51,684 ...Shirley (?) 214 00:17:52,862 --> 00:17:54,625 I'm stealing your fries... 215 00:17:54,797 --> 00:17:56,788 ...fat boy (!) 216 00:18:14,617 --> 00:18:17,211 Mmm... This is good. 217 00:18:18,321 --> 00:18:19,652 Tasty! 218 00:18:19,822 --> 00:18:26,819 There ain't no one more bad-ass evil than me in the whole of hell. 219 00:18:26,996 --> 00:18:30,159 What makes you think you can dis me and live? 220 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:33,461 'Cause things are changing round here. 221 00:18:33,636 --> 00:18:36,799 From now on, marshmallow ass, 222 00:18:36,973 --> 00:18:38,964 you're my bitch. 223 00:18:41,277 --> 00:18:43,040 Your what? 224 00:18:43,212 --> 00:18:47,876 B-l-H. Bitch! That's what you look like, that's what you are, understand? 225 00:18:51,654 --> 00:18:53,281 OK. 226 00:18:54,257 --> 00:18:55,747 What? 227 00:18:55,925 --> 00:18:59,088 Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loading pug. 228 00:18:59,262 --> 00:19:02,959 You want me to be your bitch, that's fine by me, sir! 229 00:19:03,132 --> 00:19:06,727 Are you sure you don't wanna just hit me a couple of times? 230 00:19:06,902 --> 00:19:08,870 No, sir. I'm your bitch. 231 00:19:09,038 --> 00:19:16,035 From now on, I'm your jiggly-wiggly, rollover, sweet patootie, honey-bun missy. 232 00:19:16,212 --> 00:19:18,146 I just wanna make you happy. 233 00:19:18,314 --> 00:19:20,214 Then hit me! 234 00:19:20,383 --> 00:19:24,843 And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'! 235 00:19:27,423 --> 00:19:29,914 Damn! 236 00:19:47,677 --> 00:19:52,876 - We gotta be outta here by five o'clock. - What's so special about five o'clock? 237 00:19:53,049 --> 00:19:56,314 Five o'clock's bed-bath time, and I'm doing them! 238 00:20:05,127 --> 00:20:07,595 The microbe which destroyed the Hermes. 239 00:20:07,763 --> 00:20:10,129 - It's on Red Dwarf! - How? 240 00:20:10,299 --> 00:20:16,465 The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod - the one Talia arrived on. 241 00:20:16,639 --> 00:20:20,700 - We've got to go back and tell them. - What about our escape? 242 00:20:20,876 --> 00:20:26,906 It could be days before they discover this. If we go back now, they can work on an antidote. 243 00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:31,315 You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you? 244 00:20:31,487 --> 00:20:34,479 Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture. 245 00:20:34,657 --> 00:20:38,525 Yeah - the big picture involves you, no clothes and a haystack. 246 00:20:39,161 --> 00:20:43,791 Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. 247 00:20:43,966 --> 00:20:47,424 We don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued, 248 00:20:47,603 --> 00:20:51,562 so most of you will be staying behind to die. 249 00:20:51,741 --> 00:20:55,233 There's an apology about that in the internal mail. 250 00:21:07,623 --> 00:21:11,491 It's been created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass. 251 00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:14,754 So all we need is a plutonium-powered greenhouse. 252 00:21:14,930 --> 00:21:19,867 We need an antidote that will neutralize the corrosive negativity of the microbe. 253 00:21:20,035 --> 00:21:23,835 - Something with a corrosive positivity? - Where do we get that? 254 00:21:24,006 --> 00:21:26,531 There's nothing in "Yellow Pages". 255 00:21:27,543 --> 00:21:32,003 A mirror universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one. 256 00:21:32,181 --> 00:21:36,311 There, negative becomes positive and a virus becomes an antidote. 257 00:21:43,926 --> 00:21:48,886 If the prism is flawed, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own. 258 00:21:49,064 --> 00:21:51,191 We won't know until we get there. 259 00:22:08,918 --> 00:22:11,352 It's overloaded. We've lost Mr Rimmer! 260 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,354 - At last! Things are looking up. - How long will it take to fix it? 261 00:22:15,524 --> 00:22:17,321 Best guess, about 20 minutes. 262 00:22:29,572 --> 00:22:32,336 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 263 00:22:42,685 --> 00:22:46,553 Can I come in, sir? I did knock. Perhaps you didn't hear me. 264 00:22:48,491 --> 00:22:51,119 Here's your hot lemon, sir. 265 00:22:53,095 --> 00:22:55,188 Thank you, um... 266 00:22:55,364 --> 00:22:57,389 ...Private Nobody. 267 00:22:57,566 --> 00:23:00,364 A few directives to sign, sir. 268 00:23:00,536 --> 00:23:02,367 Of course, laddie. 269 00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:08,398 A free pardon exonerating you from all crimes? 270 00:23:10,012 --> 00:23:13,607 Ooh! I don't know how that got in there, sir. I... 271 00:23:13,782 --> 00:23:16,410 Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie? 272 00:23:17,052 --> 00:23:21,079 Oh, sir. Could I one day? Could I be? 273 00:23:22,758 --> 00:23:25,249 No, I don't think you could. 274 00:23:29,765 --> 00:23:33,394 Of course - it's a mirror universe. Everything's opposite. 275 00:23:48,417 --> 00:23:50,544 My God! 276 00:23:50,719 --> 00:23:53,347 This is gonna take some getting used to. 277 00:23:55,424 --> 00:23:59,121 They said it was OK to drop by. You look wonderful. 278 00:23:59,295 --> 00:24:01,286 So do you. 279 00:24:01,463 --> 00:24:04,432 - That'll be all, Shambles. - Yes, sir. 280 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:08,559 You made captain. You've done so well. 281 00:24:08,737 --> 00:24:12,605 Your own ship. Wow! I've got goosebumps. 282 00:24:12,775 --> 00:24:14,902 So have I. 283 00:24:15,077 --> 00:24:17,068 Let me kiss you. 284 00:24:18,380 --> 00:24:20,405 (MUFFLED PROTEST) 285 00:24:20,583 --> 00:24:22,016 What are you doing? 286 00:24:22,184 --> 00:24:26,143 I'm giving you a big wet snog with oodles of Tommy Tongue. 287 00:24:27,523 --> 00:24:30,117 But I'm your sister. 288 00:24:39,034 --> 00:24:43,027 Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. 289 00:24:43,205 --> 00:24:46,606 - I, um... - You French kissed me. 290 00:24:46,775 --> 00:24:50,677 No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgian kissed you. 291 00:24:50,846 --> 00:24:52,837 I... 292 00:24:53,015 --> 00:24:55,006 I've been really ill. 293 00:24:55,184 --> 00:24:57,175 You're the captain's sister? 294 00:25:01,657 --> 00:25:04,285 Oh, my God! What a terrible dream! 295 00:25:04,460 --> 00:25:10,524 Hi, sis. It's Arnie, your bro. Get your big old lumpy bum down here and give us a big hug! 296 00:25:10,699 --> 00:25:12,667 Captain Rimmer, 297 00:25:12,835 --> 00:25:14,996 I am Sister Talia Garrett. 298 00:25:17,940 --> 00:25:21,501 Your personal spiritual adviser. 299 00:25:21,677 --> 00:25:23,167 (SHE SOBS) 300 00:25:23,345 --> 00:25:25,813 Sister whoever you are... 301 00:25:25,981 --> 00:25:28,006 Oh, smeg! 302 00:25:32,921 --> 00:25:34,252 Excuse me. 303 00:25:34,423 --> 00:25:38,484 - Yes? - Could you tell me what this is? 304 00:25:38,661 --> 00:25:43,257 You'll need to ask the professor. He does the stupid, brainbox-type stuff. 305 00:25:45,034 --> 00:25:47,025 Somebody call? 306 00:25:48,137 --> 00:25:50,435 - Professor? - Yes, Captain? 307 00:25:50,606 --> 00:25:53,541 Perhaps you could help me. What's this? 308 00:25:57,379 --> 00:26:00,109 - It's an alkaline. - What's it called? 309 00:26:00,282 --> 00:26:06,243 Sessyum-frankilithic-mixi-alibilium-rixi-dixi doxy-dexy-droxide. You look surprised. 310 00:26:06,422 --> 00:26:10,381 I never thought I'd hear you say that. Can you write it down for me? 311 00:26:10,559 --> 00:26:13,756 Certainly. Can I have an extremely long piece of paper, dear? 312 00:26:15,197 --> 00:26:18,257 The antidote! I did it! 313 00:26:18,434 --> 00:26:21,767 (ECHOING CLANGING AND BANGING) 314 00:26:24,239 --> 00:26:27,231 (CREAKING, BANGING) 315 00:26:29,011 --> 00:26:31,002 Where is everyone? 316 00:26:31,180 --> 00:26:34,946 (DISPENSING MACHINE) They crossed into the mirror universe. 317 00:26:35,117 --> 00:26:38,848 As the highest-ranked crew member left, you're now captain. 318 00:26:39,021 --> 00:26:41,421 - Congratulations, Cap (l) - Smeg off! 319 00:26:50,799 --> 00:26:52,926 (HISSING STEAM, EXPLOSION) 320 00:26:55,604 --> 00:26:57,595 Where are you going? 321 00:26:57,773 --> 00:26:59,764 To make up a formula. 322 00:26:59,942 --> 00:27:04,402 The formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus. 323 00:27:04,580 --> 00:27:09,415 You've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite. (LAUGHS) 324 00:27:10,486 --> 00:27:11,885 Smeg! You're right. 325 00:27:12,054 --> 00:27:15,888 - This is a disaster! - No, there could still be a happy ending. 326 00:27:16,058 --> 00:27:18,424 - How? - Remember that chocolate bar? 327 00:27:18,594 --> 00:27:21,188 You could pay me back before you snuff it. 328 00:27:21,363 --> 00:27:23,354 How's that a happy ending? 329 00:27:23,532 --> 00:27:27,059 It's a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally. 330 00:27:27,236 --> 00:27:32,230 Why don't you smeg off, you annoying little smeggy, smegging smegger? 331 00:27:37,646 --> 00:27:40,308 Every dog has his day. 332 00:27:40,482 --> 00:27:42,211 And today's the day... 333 00:27:47,523 --> 00:27:49,047 ... that I'm the dogl 334 00:27:57,299 --> 00:27:59,426 Smeg! 335 00:28:10,946 --> 00:28:13,915 (SOARING VIOLINS) 336 00:28:24,226 --> 00:28:29,289 - (HOWLING WIND) - Arnold Judas Rimmer. 337 00:28:29,464 --> 00:28:32,058 Your life is over. 338 00:28:32,234 --> 00:28:34,634 Come with me. 339 00:28:35,437 --> 00:28:40,374 You will travel to the River Styx where you will place a coin... 340 00:28:40,542 --> 00:28:42,533 Not today, matey! 341 00:28:43,879 --> 00:28:46,677 Remember - only the good die young. 342 00:28:47,616 --> 00:28:51,552 - (DEATH) That's never happened before! - (THUD!) 343 00:29:03,498 --> 00:29:06,934 It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 344 00:29:07,102 --> 00:29:10,401 I'm all alone, more or less 345 00:29:10,572 --> 00:29:13,632 Let me fly far away from here 346 00:29:13,809 --> 00:29:16,607 Fun, fun, fun 347 00:29:16,778 --> 00:29:20,339 In the sun, sun, sun 348 00:29:20,515 --> 00:29:23,712 I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 349 00:29:23,886 --> 00:29:27,151 Drinking fresh mango juice 350 00:29:27,322 --> 00:29:30,587 Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 351 00:29:30,759 --> 00:29:33,319 Fun, fun, fun 352 00:29:33,495 --> 00:29:37,022 In the sun, sun, sun 353 00:29:37,199 --> 00:29:40,032 Fun, fun, fun 354 00:29:40,202 --> 00:29:44,571 In the sun, sun, sun